#13: Alicia Mccarvell - Feeling Worthy, Grieving Lost Time, and Setting Boundaries

[00:00:00] Rob Pintwala: This episode is with Alicia McCarvell. Alicia hails from Halifax Nova Scotia and is an absolute force of a person, content creator, and entrepreneur. She's dedicated to making the lives of others better by encouraging them to be comfortable and confident in their own bodies. As of now, Alicia has amassed over 1 million Instagram followers and 6 million TikTok followers.

[00:01:31] Rob Pintwala: During our conversation, Alicia opens up about the grief she holds for not living fully for eight years. When she was ashamed of her body, she talks about what it means to be and feel worthy as a whole person. I ask Alicia about the compassion fatigue that comes with inspiring others by being vulnerable and open about her relationship with her body.

[00:01:54] Rob Pintwala: Alicia talks a lot about setting boundaries and taking care of her mental health as an influencer and someone who faces a lot of judgment through her platform. I hope you enjoyed today's episode with Alicia McCarville.

[00:02:06] Rob Pintwala: Hi, Alicia. Thank you so much for joining me today on the Actualized Podcast,

[00:02:10] Alicia Mccarvell: Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. Talking is one of my favorite pastimes.

[00:02:16] Rob Pintwala: I love, I love just jumping right in. So I wanted to start with something that I found on your feed that said until the age of around 28 you didn't think you were worth taking care of. I was wondering if you could start by elaborate.

[00:02:35] Alicia Mccarvell: I mean, to get into the nitty gritty of that actually, I guess to dive deeper into that quote, I didn't know I was really taking care of myself until I was 20. And then from the age of 20 to 28, I didn't know I was worth taking care of. And what I mean by that is up until I got into university, I moved my body through sport. I did all of these really cool things to take care of myself. And never really once did anybody say, oh, you're doing a good job taking care of yourself. It just was. And then I got into university and I was no longer competitive in sport anymore. And how I needed to move my body and take care of myself became very different. Your mental health takes a shot, your first year of university, it is really the first time in your life where you are very much alone, no matter how much support you have. And. From my age, the age of 20 to 28 is where I really, really struggled with my body and what it does or doesn't do for me.

[00:03:41] And I put on that freshman 15 that people talk about, which was very much a freshman 50 for me. And then from then on there out, everybody told me, well, you need to lose weight. So you need to do this, you need to, to take these things. You need to try this. You're getting fat. You can't wear that. You, you know, you're, you don't get to do those things anymore and you can't be successful if you're in a fat body.

[00:04:07] So you have to have a thin body. So immediately, once my body started to change, everything around me told me that I had no value until I was thin. And the quote that you're referring to was the moment when I was You know, 28 and on a beach in Florida, realizing that it really didn't matter what my body looked like, I was worth taking care of.

[00:04:34] It was worth enjoying my life. It was worth seeing and doing cool things. And in that eight year span, there's been a lot of ups and downs and do's and don'ts and to get me to where I am right now at 33. But that changing point for me definitely was on a beach in Florida. We went on vacation. I wore a bathing suit for the first time in probably, you know, 10 years. And I realized how much time I was spending or how much of my life I was spending worrying about others, like worrying about others, what other people would think or playing into the narrative that I was not worthy or didn't deserve certain things. And then to go out and experience something that I thought I hadn't been worthy of for so long to realize that nobody cared that I had it.

[00:05:23] Nobody cared that I was on the beach in a fat body. The only person that cared was my husband who had missed out on that opportunity with me for years because I didn't allow myself that type of joy. And it was really eye-opening to me to realize that living your life is taking care of yourself, like living and. You know, whether it's going for that promotion or working hard, or if it's dressing the way that you want to, I had this idea that I wasn't worthy until I was thin, but I was worthy all of this time. I just needed to start making decisions for myself and not allow others to be, you know, sitting in the back of my head. And from that point on, that's when I decided that my body wasn't going to be the reason I said no to anything. And it's been six years of allowing myself to be worthy of, of taking care, of being worthy of experiences, being worthy of movement, joyful movement, not movement that is going to cause weight loss, you know, movement that brings me joy. Back to that like childish freedom of sport, you know, the way that we used to move and it never was a big deal. So, and my, and it's been the happiest six years. Of my life these last six years. And to believe that I spent a good period of my life thinking that I could never have that unless I was in a thin body has brought along a lot of grief.

[00:06:55] And I'm sure we're gonna talk about that. But that quote itself was just a lot of, I didn't think I was worthy until I dropped those expectations of everybody else and started living my life for me. And, honestly in full transparency for other people. 'cause sometimes making decisions for yourself can be hard, but when you realize how important the decisions you make for yourself are to other people, it makes it a little bit easier to make those tough, dec tough decisions.

[00:07:26] And definitely at the beginning of saying yes to things, I feel like I was saying yes. For other people and not necessarily for myself. But six years later, I know when I say yes, I'm saying yes for me because it's what I deserve. And the experiences that I've gotten to have because I've said yes, have been life altering so,

[00:07:48] Rob Pintwala: That's incredible. What, I just want to dive into it . The actual kind of day that that happened in Florida, was that kind of like a fluke? Like, or was, was there like, you know, how did you get encouraged to like to wear that swimsuit and go on the beach or did it like that realization, like, do you remember how that actually came about?

[00:08:10] Alicia Mccarvell: I think there's a mixture of, I don't think anything is necessarily a fluke in, in life and in, in general. I think that by this point, I was a pot that was ready to overflow with how I was feeling with my body, with how fed up I was with, you know, myself in my life and what I wasn't, wasn't doing. And the choice to wear the bathing suit was very much a, I'm going to Florida and nobody's gonna know me there, so who cares if I'm in a fat body on a beach? it. was very much a, well, we're gonna do this because who cares what anybody thinks. So the act was a choice. What happened afterwards definitely was not anticipated. Like I remember being on the beach and Scott and I were in the water for probably two consecutive hours. Like, I don't even know if we got out and we are just playing and laughing and having such a good time.

[00:09:13] And then when we got back to where we were staying and I got in the shower, that's when it hit me. Like, like I, nothing has ever walked my world like that moment standing naked in the shower, just realizing that, like, what was I doing? Like what was, what have I been doing for the last eight years of my life? Not allowing myself Those, those moments. And like it is, it's not just one emotion, which is so confusing because in that moment I was angry at myself for not allowing myself that joy. I was disappointed that I had held my husband back from that experience for so long. I was sad at all thinking back to all of the experiences that I had said no to. I was scared of this idea that all this time I thought my body was the problem, but it was just me. And like, it 'll rock you to the core when you've spent your, you know, eight years blaming your body for being the reason why you aren't, aren't able to do something and then you do it and you're like, oh shit. So it wasn't, you know, wasn't my body. This has nothing to do with my body. I was already kind of on my way there because in the midst of that eight year battle with my body and movement, I had done a bikini competition. I was 24. I think when I walked across the stage, I was the thinnest I had ever been. And when I walked across the stage, I remember looking at myself being like, you look like shit. And being like, okay, so my body's not the problem because here I am standing the thinnest I'll ever be in my life. And my head is still not happy. Like my brain is still not, you know, working with me. So I was already pr, I was already. At the point where I knew my body wasn't the problem, that my head was the problem. However, when you're then living your life with everything telling you, you can't shop here, you can't look like this. You, you know, you'll never have joy until, or I'm the happiest when I'm thin. It's hard to believe your own head is the problem when the rest of the world is also telling you that that's the problem.

[00:11:34] Like, you know, it's a numbers game at that point. So, yeah, I mean, I, the choice was a choice to wear the bathing suit and then afterwards it was just this overflowing of emotion that I had never really experienced before. And I don't, to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever experience it ever again. And then since that day, I've carried and will continue to carry grief with me everywhere I go. And we talk about grief and S when it comes to like, loss of people or things, or you know, me, like, you know, pets or we talk about it when it comes to like a tangible loss of things that can be seen or worse seen. But we don't really talk about the grief that comes along with like the what ifs or the, the loss of time, like grieving the loss of, you know, my life essentially. So I've carried that with me ever since then, but it's been a choice to say yes since that day. So, although those feelings weren't anticipated, it's been an, it's been a choice since then. And a lot of things within that eight year period led me to choosing to wear that bathing suit that day. And I'll be forever grateful that I did because I, you know, they talk about needing to hit rock bottom in order to, you know, move. And I don't know because I think that that was my rock bottom with my body.

[00:13:06] I think, I genuinely feel like there's nothing more humbling than, you know, standing, standing in your most vulnerable state naked somewhere and just not having a clue where to go from there. And I think that that was my rock bottom, was experiencing all that joy and then standing there thinking, this is your fault. Like, this has nothing to do with anybody else. This is, this is your fault. So I think that's the closest that I'll ever get to rock bottom. And if that's what it is, then it makes a lot of sense because I was forced from that day to make a lot better decisions for myself and for the people that I love.

[00:13:43] Rob Pintwala: Yeah. Yeah. When you, when you sort of sound like they sort of put the blame towards yourself, was there, and is there still, like how did, how have you kind of dealt with that guilt? 

[00:14:01] Alicia Mccarvell: I understand that it is not all my fault. I understand that I live in a society that has told me that me being in a fat body makes me less valuable than others. I'm not, I'm not naive to the fact that there are outside sources that are also guilty of contributing to that narrative to me. And however, I'm a grown ass woman that makes her own decisions and can make these choices for herself. And I've always prided myself on my ability to be authentic to myself. So yeah, I carry a lot of grief because I realize that I spent a lot of those years trying to be somebody else, trying to fit a mold, trying to look a certain way, and I, I grieve that. I grieve the part that I played working at a fitness facility and the narrative that I might've created for other people. I grieve the time that I lost saying no to things. I grieve for the years that I don't have photos that I simply look like I don't exist as a human being. You know, I tell people that I've been with my husband for 17 years, but I would go out on a limb and say four of those 17 years, I don't exist on paper.

[00:15:28] Like, there's no photos of me, there's no videos of me, there's no, you know, I grieve. The decisions that I made for my body, which has gotten me to the point that I am at now. I've done a lot of damage to my body physically and mentally. And I will continue to pay for that as I try to heal those wounds, and move past that. But yeah, grief, grief is a, it's grief is heavy.

[00:15:59] And it's also a really, really valuable teaching tool because everybody knows in a way what grief feels like. But nobody connects, I shouldn't say nobody, but not often do people connect the feeling of grief with lost time. And that's kind of been a catalyst for my message to say, well, I don't care how harsh it is of me to tell you that you're being ridiculous by not wearing those shorts. But I do think so. That if you understood the way that I feel about my past and not choosing these things sooner, that you would understand that it's not mean that this is coming from a place of love, that it's, you know, the way you feel it needs to change for your body, for yourself, for your loved ones. And yeah, it's been, it's been a motivator for me too.

[00:16:54] Like, I mean, grief, I think it is for a lot of people, but for me specifically in this type of situation like grieving Grieving the lost time and the lost memories and the lost adventures, and the lost, you know, opportunities has also motivated me to like never miss a single one ever again.

[00:17:15] And that's motivated me to put myself out there. That's motivated me to say yes to things that terrify me in order to make up for time that I have lost. So I do think I've lived a much more fulfilled six years of my life because of the grief that I do carry. I just want people to get to their point of realization or rock bottom before it took me to get there so they don't have to carry as many years of grief as I am carrying so that that weight's just a little bit less for them.

[00:17:52] I've kind of made it. I've just kind of made it my mission to just, you know, not fear talking about it, but like helping people understand that it's not getting to a good place with your body isn't like you cross this wonderful finish line and everything's beautiful and wonderful.

[00:18:09] Like there is a lot of sadness that comes along with it. Like it is, like there is more to it than just living blissfully in your body. There's a lot that I'm still working through. There's a lot that I will continue to work through.

[00:18:23] Rob Pintwala: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Do you ever feel I, and I'm not yet at that experience with, with grief personally but do you ever, you know, from what I've read, I guess, and, and witnessed, it seems like time is the only really thing that kind of dissipates some of that grief. Do you feel that that's happened or do you feel some sort of extra attachment to that grief as like an added reminder that this is why, and the motivation part that you mentioned?

[00:18:55] Alicia Mccarvell: I think, I think that, yes, when we talk about grief, we talk about, you know, the, our lives that just get filled with other things, and I think that it's less about the time and it's just more so about the fact that you've had more time to fill your life with other things than just that grief to like sitting on it. I think my experience is a little bit unique because I'm grieving lost time, so to grieve, lost time. Then yes, obviously having more time gets rid of that grief a little bit. However, I'm not, I'm not necessarily filling my life with more things and Every joyful movement or moment that I have, or every good thing that I do have will continue to be a reminder of what I could have had. So it's a little bit different. I think when we grief, grieve the loss of people, yes, some things remind us of them, but not everything we do. And I think for me, in this experience, is that anytime I do something that I could have done years ago, that reminds me of that grief.

[00:20:08] So yes, yes. I think that as time goes by, I'm gonna be filling myself with so many more things that are gonna make up for the years that I've lost. However, every time I do something, I think I was never capable of, or didn't deserve, or wasn't worthy of. It's just a reminder that I always was, and I could have been done sooner. So that's a great question, and I don't think I've ever really thought about it like that, but I I, I think it's the same, but also a just a little bit different when you're grieving Lost time because time's attached to everything. 

[00:20:42] Rob Pintwala: yeah, yeah. That, I mean, I think a lot of folks have maybe a less Intense experience with that type of grief, with covid for a lot of people who like to put everything on delay or, you know, depending on what age you're, you're in and how you, how you look at that. 

[00:21:00] Alicia Mccarvell: And I am sure that there's other experiences that are attached to this too. Like I can only imagine that hypothetically you're in an abusive relationship and you leave that relationship, I can assume that you would also grieve the time that you lost with that person too. So I can also anticipate when you leave a job, I know that experience that you've given a lot to grieving the time that you could have been doing something that you loved more, that brought you more fulfillment. So I'm sure that it's not just This is just unique because it has to do with my body. But I'm sure that there are other things that people grieve like this, that if you know when the good things do happen, you grieve that. And I try not to live in the past. And I think that that's really important.

[00:21:46] I can't get back those eight years. They'll never do that, that's unrealistic. And, you know, I can't get back. I'm also 33 now. What I could do at 23 is very different from what I could do at 33. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Like, those are just two very different things. But I. What I try to do is put myself back in those positions to like, is this somebody, am I doing something that 23 year old me would be proud of?

[00:22:13] Am I doing something that a 25 year old me would be proud of? And I think that that's kind of how I kind of rectify those years. And yeah, I just, I have other things. Like I take all the videos, I take all of the photos. There are other ways that I kind of help with that grief. And for me, which I get emotional talking about, but I've never been able to give myself wholeheartedly to anybody in this world. I've never been able to say yes to everything. I've never been able to be present for everybody. Whether that was. Showing up to a friend's birthday party because I felt uncomfortable in my skin, or that was taking the pictures instead of being in the photos, whatever that looks like. There's been nobody in my life that I've ever been able to show up for authentically and 110% myself. However, my sister gave birth to my nephew two years ago. And the joy and the excitement that I feel to say that he'll never not see me and everything is like a really, really cool, a really cool thing to be able to give him. And I joke about it because he's like a three-year-old boy. Like he has no, he has no understanding of what that is, I know that for him, Whether he's three, whether he's 16, whether he's 30, he's gonna be able to look back on his photos and his life. And I will always be present. I will always be there. I will always say yes, I will always take the photo. And like, that's pretty fucking cool. Like that's, I think that has helped a lot with my grief is that there are a lot of people who go through life that don't ever get to give themself 110% to anybody. And to say that I get to do that for him is like, really, really cool. Like, he'll never, he'll never wonder where I am. I, and I've said this in the like, talk before, but I do want it to be annoying how present and how, you know, I'm there for everything. 'cause I think that that's just like a gift in itself, not only for him, but for me because now I get to say that I've been able to do that for somebody.

[00:24:41] So, Obviously, like grief is real and heavy, but there's just so much more now that I'm on the other side of it, that there's just the joy, the life, the like, adventure, the fulfillment I feel in living my life will always forever outweigh the grief. But yeah, there's days where I do feel sadness with the things that I messed up, you know, I missed out on. And, but then again, as I said earlier, I'm not, I don't really think about those things, I think that everything happens for a reason and I, I think that I've experienced my life the way that I needed to experience it. So that hopefully now having the confidence to share it, I can help others not have to experience it the same way that I did.

[00:25:29] So, yeah, I mean, it's, it's, yeah, it's really deep. It's really, really deep, filled with lots of different things, but As shitty as the grief can be some days, the adventure and the life that I lived in the last six years has far surpassed any life I ever anticipated for myself. And you know, how can you be sad about that, you know? 

[00:25:51] Rob Pintwala: Mm-hmm. No, it's very beautiful what you're saying and really can relate to what you're saying about your nephew too. 

[00:25:58] Alicia Mccarvell: Yeah, 

[00:25:59] Rob Pintwala: That's super beautiful and inspiring and even for people Yeah. Don't have kids and just wanna be part of someone's life. Yeah. And showing up for the whole time.

[00:26:09] Rob Pintwala: Yeah. I mean, it's tough with anyone for sure. 

[00:26:12] Alicia Mccarvell: well, and I see it, I see it in moms, like I see it in moms who dmm me to tell me that they don't go to the pool with their kids. Or I see it in, you know, parents who are choosing not to do certain things with like and just. That hurts my heart because you've been told you've been misled, like you've been made to believe something that is not true. And watching those same moms send me a photo this year of them on the beach with their kids is like a dream come true for me. Because like how can you, I don't know. You can't really put a price on, on experience and to know that like my impact is one that. You know, I'm lucky enough to say that it has a generational impact.

[00:27:05] You know, it's not just that mom that's gonna be impacted by wearing that bathing suit on the beach. It's those two girls that are going to watch their mom live and have an adventure in her body in that bathing suit on the beach. And hopefully if that happens enough time, then those two girls will never withhold themselves from those experiences because it won't ever matter. So it's, yeah, it's, it's It's really fucking cool. Like, it's really, really, really cool when you get to see those like real life moments. And it's, it sounded silly at first and when I was sharing my story people were like, oh, clothing doesn't have that impact, or These things don't have an impact until you've been there, until you've experienced it that way.

[00:27:47] Like you don't really truly understand the power of a bathing suit on a beach in Florida. Like, you don't, you just genuinely don't understand it. So yeah, that's, that's kind of where the grief hits me the most is just like grieving what I, you know, missed out on. But I have definitely turned that grief into a catalyst and a motivat, like a motivational point to help people get to their moment of realization before they have to experience it the same way that I do.

[00:28:22] Rob Pintwala: That's, that's so real. And it's also challenging. Like, and that's I imagine it could be challenging, you know, and I, I wanted to ask you about I know we started off pretty heavy here, , but I wanted to ask you about, I've actually been learning a little bit more about something called compassion fatigue.

[00:28:45] Rob Pintwala: And I think a lot of people who identify with compassion fatigue are, you know, most commonly in healthcare or therapists who I work with a lot of nurses, doctors. But sounds like you have chosen to Yeah. Lead this charge and try to be a positive influence to so many people that are now following your journey.

[00:29:12] Rob Pintwala: But it also sounds like a lot of the, these stories, even the positive ones really hit like I how how do you, I mean, I know first of all, like, I know you're hilarious and your videos are so funny and like, you know, an amazing sense of humor is imagine that's one way to kind of deal with it?

[00:29:38] Alicia Mccarvell: I think we genuinely do underestimate the impact of comedy and humor. I think we do as a, I, I actually, I will, I think we did until Covid and I think that a lot of people relied on abstract comedy, which was online, and videos and content and TikTok and Instagram to help get themselves through, you know, those really tough days. And I am a firm believer that humor is healing in Many different ways. And I mean, it depends on what therapist you talk about when you talk about dark humor or joking about certain things. But I also know that if you're not laughing through it, you might be crying through it. And at the same time, there is just so much joy and laughter to be found in life that even when we're struggling, my goal for me and for my audience is to help people understand that, like I learned through working with the Bloom Academy. Avery Francis owns it and she's in Ontario. She does diversity, equity and inclusion training specifically. And one of the things that she taught me, which has been extremely valuable to like my journey with myself, is that two things can coexist at the same time. Things that we have been made to believe that can't, can coexist. I can be. Joyful and funny and laugh about something, but still respect that it's a challenge and something I need to, you know, maneuver, even though I'm making a joke about it. Or I can be super proud of myself for doing something, but also disappointed that I, you know, didn't achieve a different goal. So learning that two things can coexist at the same time has really been helpful. My brain helps me understand that I can be teaching a really serious topic, and I can take this really seriously, but I can also make jokes that other people are going to find funny, which is gonna make this work a little lighter when they're, you know, taking it in. This work is heavy, so like, obviously we jumped into it and it's heavy and it's heavy all the time because there's just so many things that go along with it.

[00:31:55] There's so many parts, and if you've got children, that adds a little extra into it if you, you know, there's just so much when it comes to our bodies and how we feel about them and what we do, and don't allow ourselves to do that. People wouldn't do the work if there wasn't a little break. So I like to think that my humor in my content is not only a break for my audience, but also a break for me to be creating something that doesn't hit so heavy. So, yeah, you might go through two tough videos, but here's gonna be six really funny ones to kind of give yourself a little break while you like to digest what you've literally just taken in. So I think comedy for me has always been and will continue to be a staple in my life and in my content because life's just fucking shitty sometimes.

[00:32:41] And the humor and laughter and finding joy really helps us understand that two things can exist. It can be really shitty right now, but there's still really good things, you know, going on and we can still laugh, you know? So yeah, comedy for sure. For the other part, I really had to digest it. I'm an empath and I really had to digest that I'm never going to be doing enough for people and like swallowing that pill was important for a few reasons. My dms are filled with people saying, can you share this GoFundMe? Can you post about this? Can you tell this story? Can you talk about this? This is what I'm going through. This is the person in my life that's died. My dms are filled with that and I can't help every single person. And learning that I can't do it all made it a little bit easier on me to understand that. My resources just don't exist to that extent. You know, I can't be posting. My goal is to make people live Happier, healthier, more fulfilled life in whatever body it is that they have. That is my goal at the end of the day, and I need to kind of stick to those things. So understanding that I can't do enough has allowed me to kind of pick and choose without beating myself up on what I can help with and what I can help with. And yeah, you add in parasocial relationships into that conversation when it comes to being a content creator. And I'm very understanding of the fact that, you know, I am, I am a million people's common interest. A million people follow me on Instagram. A million people are commonly interested in me. I put on an authentic version of myself. People like me, people want to be my friend, and I people want to have as much of an intimate relationship. As they possibly can with me. And I'm grateful for that because that was the space I was hoping to create was one in which you could walk into and feel like I am your best friend, and I'm telling you that you need to make a change for yourself.

[00:34:53] But with that comes the other side of friendship, which is the belief that I have a buy-in to every single thing that those million people are also bought into, which can be really, really complicated because that is not the truth. That's also not how all of our friendships work in our life. People aren't bought into the same causes of the same things. So navigating that and understanding what a parasocial relationship is has been very helpful for me. Also to be mindful of how people view me, but also to be respectful of my own boundaries in certain situations. So yeah, it can be complicated. I, to be honest, I do a lot of things like my own dms.

[00:35:38] So I don't believe in handing that off which can be heavy, but I have it scheduled. So that's kind of the one thing that I do for myself is that I schedule the times when I'm going to be consuming that information so that I know that I'm in the right headspace to be doing so, and I create a safe space for me to be consuming it.

[00:35:57] So whether that's from my bed or if that's a you know, watching a movie comfortably from the couch, I just make sure that I'm in a space where I can be digesting that information. Sometimes I sit down to write back to TMSs for an hour and it's all happy go lucky, and it's all good, and I don't have to worry about that. Sometimes you'll have, you know, three heavy hitters right into the get go, and that's all I have the capacity for in terms of riding back or supporting. But I've one thing I think I've always been good at is regulating, regulating my capacity for emotion in stressful situations or just situations in general.

[00:36:37] So, yeah, I schedule it out and then I work until I don't have the capacity to do so, and I'm honest with myself about that. And then I just realize that I'm never going to be doing enough. I'm going to disappoint people and that's how Parasocial relationships work and that's how this space will work. I'm not going to be able to make all million of these people happy. But my goal is to help people live a happier, healthier, more fulfilled life in their body. And I do think I can do that for a million people. I might not be able to help every single SPCA that's out there. I might not be able to support every single food bank.

[00:37:15] I might not be able to donate to every single GoFundMe, but I can make sure that you are living your true, authentic self, which is gonna make you much more valuable to those causes going forward. It is kind of how I have to mind myself around that idea.

[00:37:31] Rob Pintwala: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I get the sense that, I get the sense that there's a lot of sort of wisdom and just learned experience and boundaries. I've never actually heard of the word para parasocial relationship. And I think you mentioned you, you've always had the, I think, like, wherewithal to understand your emotional capacity or can show up. Has that come natural or have you had to like, have you worked at this? Like, it sounds like you've, you're someone who's done a lot of introspection and you do, like, you, you, even the words you use talking about how you feel and like your emotional vocabulary seems very deep.

[00:38:25] Alicia Mccarvell: Emotionally. I think I've always, I think I've always had that. I don't necessarily know where that comes from. I think that just comes from the fact that I've always been interested in people's emotions and I've always been interested in mine. I, although I'm really good at understanding my emotions, I have a zero to a hundred capacity with my emotions. I'm either crying or I'm yelling. Like those are very, I'm very aware of how long I can be in a specific situation. I had a, like an incident at a, this is just a funny story. I had an incident at a hotel recently that I was staying at, and the manager accused us of lying about how many people were in the room. And I know myself enough to know that my integrity is my whole being. So when you come from my integrity, I know that I'm one or the other. But in that situation, I knew that I couldn't talk to either of the people who had accused me of lying in that situation. So I walked to the front desk and I was like, I need to talk to somebody that's not those two people. And I was like, and I need to say what I need to say and then I need to walk away because otherwise I know how I am going to react to the situation. So sure enough, I got to talk to somebody different. I spoke for as long as I had the capacity to do so without crying, we're getting upset. I gave my full information and I walked away.

[00:39:37] And it was a much more effective and efficient conversation. 'cause I knew that in that sense. So let's not confuse emotional awareness with the ability to control emotion because I definitely don't have the ability to control it. But I think I have always been, I'm sure this has an impact. I've never been the best on the team. I've never been the most valuable person, but I've always been the person that I've worked the hardest with. That is who I have always been and will always continue to be. So I think that it's, I'm very good at looking at what my I hate the word detriment but I what my downfalls are or where my areas of opportunity are, and then working around them in a, the most effective way, which has made me able to kind of control those things. Like I said before, I worked in fitness with a fitness brand for almost eight years. I was in the capacity of management. Being a manager of people will teach you a lot when you're managing a fitness facility with X amount of members, plus your own staff. You'll learn a lot about your own emotions and how to like, speak to people and how to get the most out of your interactions. So I definitely think like that has built me. When it comes to boundary setting, I've had to teach myself that over the last, like six years because when you finally start, and I say six because like, when you finally start living your life for yourself, even people who love you, Will challenge the, that space for you regardless of if it's the best for you or not? I can't, I can't unlearn other people. I can only unlearn for myself and I put in a lot of work unlearning the things that I've been told about my body and my value. I can't unlearn that for the other people in my life, but I can set a boundary with them like I, you know, I can. And it's been a lot like accepting responsibility for what I've played in that part.

[00:41:36] So, you know, I know in the past I've laughed at the jokes that you've made at my expense. However, going forward, I don't think those fu were funny. I was too uncomfortable to tell you that, but I don't wanna be the buddy or jokes anymore. And so it's been a lot of those conversations to say, I know in the past I've allowed you to talk about your diet in front of me. Yeah, but I've been too afraid to tell you that that makes me uncomfortable going forward to protect myself. I don't wanna be a part of your diet culture conversations anymore. You kind of, and I mean, can we go for anything? I mean, it goes for us. For us, it's also, we don't want children. How many times I've had to tell people, I understand that you think it's, you know, okay to ask people if they're having kids, but that's not a comfortable question for me, nor something I want to discuss with you. We're not having children. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. And like it can be a joke at first, and then eventually you have to say, I'm not having these conversations. 

[00:42:41] Rob Pintwala: you have a million children on Instagram that you already look after

[00:42:44] Alicia Mccarvell: Yes. Yeah. And I, and luckily for me, I have really supportive friends, really supportive family, and I haven't had to uphold any of those boundaries to an extent of I'm no longer speaking to you, or I'm no longer, you know, I haven't had to like to disconnect from people in my life. And I do think that if you deliver your boundaries, like if you deliver your boundaries and accept your responsibility, and sometimes that can be a little bit easier of a conversation.

[00:43:11] However, there will come a time where I will have to uphold a boundary and it won't be a. And I won't have to, you know, I just can't cultivate that relationship anymore and I'm gonna be a lot better for it eventually. But yeah, boundaries are not, they're not fun. They're like the least fun thing you'll do because most people take offense to a boundary. And that just like in my mind comes from the relationship that you have with that person and what you've allowed to happen in the past. And it's really hard when you tell somebody, oh, you can't make those jokes anymore. They're like, well, we've been friends for 20 years and I've been making those jokes for 20 years. And then immediately that like guilt sets in and that, that like, oh no, what have I, I've been hurting you. Like, it's just a normal reaction to be like, well, you just let me do that for 20 years, so why all of a sudden can I do it anymore? So under, it's, it's hard, like I've been on the other side of boundaries, like everybody probably has been on the other side of boundaries and you immediately, like a normal reaction is to feel guilt. Like, oh shit, I thought you thought that that was funny or I thought that that was an okay conversation. I'm also lucky too because I share my life online, so it's not a surprise, it's not a surprise to my friends what I do and don't want to talk about. I'm very lucky in that sense that I know that there's typical conversations that would happen, but I'm not around and I'm okay with that. And I like that my friends and my family make the choice to have those conversations when I'm not around because it is harmful for me. And I don't want to have to, you know, be the bad guy in the, like, in those moments to, you know, walk away from something. But, so I am, I am pretty lucky in a sense that I share it all and it kind of allows me to set boundaries without having to be in person with a lot of people, which is like, one of the nice parts about being a content creator is because I don't have to have a conversation with my aunt. I've already said it online. I know she follows my content. I know she's aware of my stance on certain things. 

[00:45:09] Rob Pintwala: was, I was, I don't know if you need to be a content creator to like, I have 600 followers and my mom follows me, so, you 

[00:45:15] Alicia Mccarvell: yeah, yeah. And I mean, just, sharing it honestly, just sharing it openly and in that way has been helpful and, you know, making it make sense too. Like, I think sometimes when it comes to boundaries or relationships with other people, we assume that the people that we love should understand it. But like a lot of the people that we love have never had boundaries even set to them. They don't even know what a boundary is.

[00:45:41] So with me having a space like my creating content, I have always had the patience and the time to explain something because I don't assume that everybody understands, which has helped me be a little bit more understanding and patient in my real life as well. So,

[00:45:59] Rob Pintwala: Yeah. What you're saying back there sort of reminded me of a feeling. That I've gotten with some people, particularly like former bosses that I've worked for, that I feel like when I joined their team, I was young. It's like 10 years ago, I was naive, you know? And just like worked, worked, worked, worked, put on the owner hat and like, was definitely inexperienced and still am in many respects.

[00:46:29] Rob Pintwala: But what I've noticed is that they still hold me to that, like a 23 year old, like a newcomer new to the workforce level. And like, I can't escape that in many respects. Like some of 'em have become my friends and they just still hold me in that small place and I'm like, it drives me nuts, right?

[00:46:50] Rob Pintwala: Because like, yeah. And I'm . So like, yeah, I mean I ultimately had to leave that company because I mean, . Maybe I wasn't the best person for the job I wanted, but at the same time, it's like these people hold me smaller than I'm holding myself right now, so I have to leave.

[00:47:05] Alicia Mccarvell: And I think I will hide. I don't know the content creator's name, but it sucks that I can't give her credit. I watched a video, I'm sure someone will know it. I watched a video of a lady talking about how there's so much stigma on leaving a job and going to a new one that, like we as a society, believe that you work your way up within one, within one job. Like you find your niche and then your goal should be to like work your way to the top of that. And that when you look at a resume, businesses will look at longevity rather than actual growth and development. And she did a comparison between one person who had worked at the same job for 10 years. And their growth in pay and then showed another candidate who had worked three jobs within that span of the 10 years and the growth in pay and how drastically different and how much more money the person who had left their job to go to a new job was making in terms of their financial versus the person that had stayed in the position. And it was literally that exact conversation that sometimes you'll never outgrow the people around you, like in their head. You'll never outgrow that. But when you move to a new position and like to take the things that you've learned with you, it makes you more valuable in another space for other people. And yeah, I'm sure there's, I'm sure there's a therapist who would have a lot to say about how that is and what that works in our heads. But yeah, definitely that's like sometimes you'll never outgrow the people around you. You have to kind of create that new space to like bring that grown person elsewhere and can be more valuable.

[00:48:44] Rob Pintwala: Yeah. How, how do you, how do you sort of think about that in your personal life? Like, and just to add one quick kind of anecdote is that I. I think the most important factor before my wife and I got married was my, me getting on board with, you know, I'm someone who wants to constantly grow and work on myself and all those things, but I, that's what I really wanted to see in my partner is that do they have that kind of capacity to remain open to growth and change, or are they like kind of stuck in their ways?

[00:49:17] Rob Pintwala: And I think that once I kind of determined that, I was like, okay, this is perfect. Or maybe not perfect, but , this'll this, this is enough. Yeah. What do you think about that in your relationships? And I like you've done a ton of personal growth.

[00:49:32] Alicia Mccarvell: My mother Like my mom said something to me. I was super frustrated with a friend and my mom said, that friend has been that friend since you were, you know, 16 years old. The fact that you think that that friend will change who they are, and you have two choices, you either expect them to change or you accept them for who they are, and you understand that going forward.

[00:50:04] So it doesn't bring you grief or pain or, you know, that comment from her has been really helpful for me to accept people in my life for who they are and not who I think they necessarily should be in, in certain areas. And like, I don't necessarily know if that works for, for everybody. And like, I can speak from my personal relation, like obviously with Scott. We're also a different breed. We've been together since we were 15 years old, so we've had no choice but to grow together, to change together, to, you know, challenge each other to see new things. However, becoming a content creator was never on either of our bingo cards, and it just was never something that we anticipated for either of us. I am an extrovert. He very much is an introvert. This space is an extroverted space, like being in the eye of people sharing your life. We've had to sit down and have a lot of conversations about what he's comfortable with, what he's not comfortable with, what I'm comfortable with, what, you know, I'm not comfortable with. And he's a prime example of. Someone who has stepped outside of his comfort zone, so I can very much flourish in mine. And like, I think that says a lot about a part, like a partner specifically. I don't, you know, I don't necessarily feel like this was always what he initially had like dreamt up for us, like to be sharing everything so fully and so, transparently online. However, the life that we've been able to create because of doing so and the lives that he gets to be a part of changing has just been such a motivational factor. But yeah, I definitely think in terms of growth and the people in our life in general I think for my partner, that's what I should be able to expect. Like, expect from them is that, that type of like, support and love. But I also return that in many other ways. Like I'm very respectful of boundaries and conversations and I know when to be filming, when not to be filming. And it's been like a, it's been a guessing game for the last, you know, couple years of just kind of making it work. But when it comes to other people in our life, like, that's some of the most valuable advice my mom has ever given me is that you make the choice on Is it, is it a battle worth fighting or is it something that you can accept about somebody and then not expect them? I think we're guilty of this as people, and I'm wholeheartedly guilty of this.

[00:52:45] Like I want to give and do and, you know, I create these experiences like for Scott, we've, we've had for him like decorated the bedroom with balloons and made, you know, all of these like beautiful cards and writings. That's my love language, not necessarily his. And like learning that, it's unfair of me to kind of place my expectations on others. Just based off of like how I would kind of, and that's really been helpful with like pe just people in my life and understanding the parts they play in this world as a content creator. I call it interaction or transaction. And there's, it's very clear how that works in this world based on who I'm having an interaction with and who I'm having a transaction with.

[00:53:35] And that's kind of helped me stick it to a business perspective and not be offended in certain situations or not care too much in certain places. To realize that sometimes I'm gonna shake people's hands and it's a transaction and sometimes I'm gonna hug people and it's gonna be a genuine interaction based off of like the content and the things that I create. So I very much have broken down since creating a lot of my life into making it feel like it's a business so that I could remove like my personal feelings away from it so that I don't get as hurt or offended or feel as much pressure. And that's been super helpful for me too, in terms of expectations on others or myself and yeah.

[00:54:20] Rob Pintwala: Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to almost like, kind of reverse it a little bit and ask you about your audience and how, how it's been as you've grown as a content creator and like with, let's say, I don't know, your first like a hundred thousand or 50,000 followers. You know, like have they been accepting of your success or do they like, You know, like, how do they hold you to like, where they want you to be this indie creator or… 

[00:54:54] Alicia Mccarvell: Yeah. I think that there's a mixture of everything, and I think it depends on why you followed me in the first place. I think that a lot of people got behind me and they resonated with me being an, you know, an average human being. Were struggling with certain things or, you know, when I talked about my debt to, you know, I think people really resonated with that stuff. So now that that stuff doesn't exist, if that's the only reason why I resonated with you, I understand why my space might not be the space for you. It's been, again, helpful for me. I'm not going to make everybody happy. I've tried to diversify my content as much as I can so that I often describe my house, my content or my space like a house. And then I've built in all of these rooms, there's a comedy room, there's a self-love room, there's a movement room, there's a relationship room, there's my life room, there's my finance room, and that's kind of the topics that I talk about. And you can come in at your own leisure, go into whatever room you feel you need to take from. And then if you walk in and there's no room for you, well then maybe my content space isn't for you and that's totally okay. Again, viewing it like a business rather than my actual life so that I don't get hurt when people do choose to leave, because that can be very shitty. There is a quote, and I had this conversation in my stories not too long ago. Somebody slid into my dms to be like, you're not relatable anymore. And I'm like, but I. What does that mean? Like what is relatable in the sense that I can afford to pay my bills now and I'm not struggling like I used to, or because I'm going on vacations paid for by brands or because you don't resonate with me struggling in my body anymore because I'm not struggling as much.

[00:56:52] Like, where, where is it that I'm no longer relatable? And another content creator was having this conversation about how it's like the number one word being used against female creators now is that you're, you're not relatable anymore. You're not, I can't relate to your content you've outgrown. Obviously it's terrifying in certain spaces, especially a space about your body. Like, I get both ends of the spectrum. If you lose weight, if I lose weight. So if I continue on this journey that I'm on with my body, we're building a home gym. I, you know, I've, I started eating more than one meal a day. If I continue on this journey and my body changes, am I going to lose people in this space? Probably because some people only resonate with me being fat, and if I'm no longer fat or my body changes, then how do they resonate with that? But that's not a me problem, and that's a, that's a boundary that they have to uphold for themselves. The difference being my boundaries aren't the responsibility of other people. My boundaries belong to me. So when people come out to say, you are no longer relatable, well that's you making your boundary, my problem. And my, your boundary is not my problem. That's your boundary that you have to uphold. So if you are no longer feeling safe in my space, or you don't feel like you resonate with me, that's not on me to continue to fit a mold that you are looking for, that's on you to remove me from your following and find people who follow that mold. So again, breaking it down to a little more technical term than making it about me and myself and understanding how unreasonable it is. Like I have two siblings. I can't make them happy on the same day, let alone, you know, a million people online. But again, I also think that as a society, We've allowed ourselves to think that we have to believe in everything that somebody says in order to follow and support them, or we have to buy into everything that they do in order to follow and support them. I think that two things can be true. I think that you can resonate with my comedy, but also not be struggling with your body and still support me. I think that you can be struggling with your body and not find that funny and still support me and still want to be in this space. So yeah, there's a lot of nuance with, with that specifically. But again, that's a bound, that's a personal boundary. And when people vocalize that to try to like, make me feel bad or make other creators feel bad that's them putting their boundaries on other people. And that's not how boundaries work. Like boundaries are a personal, like a personal thing. Especially when it comes to content you're choosing to consume. I didn't, I didn't choose. You chose me and sometimes that, that's really important. It's also the power that we have with social media, like the we, you're in control of it. You get to choose who you do and don't see when it comes to socials. So picking people who make you feel good about yourself is important. There are lots of fat people out there and people living in bigger bodies that don't like my content. And that's okay because I used to live in my fat body and not like people who lived in fat bodies and were living happy, healthy lives. I just never thought it was for me. I never thought I could get there.

[01:00:12] I never thought it was a realistic space. So it was hard for me to like, resonate with somebody who was doing cool things in a fat body. I resented them. And so when that does happen, I like, I understand that feeling 'cause I've been there. I've thought about those things. My space might not be for you yet, but that doesn't mean it won't be for you in the future. So, you know, just come back when it's for you and leave when it's not. And I'm okay with that. And we are gonna grow. My life is gonna, I've been able to do incredible things because of sharing my story. I paid off my sister's debt. We got to bring my siblings to Disneyland. Like us, there are things that I have done that I never fathomed being able to do for myself, but I don't deserve to feel guilty for those, for those, you know, those things. And yeah, I often find my therapist said to me in a conversation that I, obviously for me like this, analyzing things helps me separate who I am from my actual content, which I think is really important as a content creator. And there's a lot of people who will be upset with me for doing things that they would do if they could do. And I understand that. Yeah, I understand people being upset that I paid off my sister's debt because why not you? And I've been in that position like, why not you too? Like, why can't you also be able to do that? And wholeheartedly empathize with that, but I don't have to feel guilty for making that choice for me and for me, for my family.

[01:01:50] So yeah, it's been a lot of like, I have, I have a full system for negative comments. I have a full system. I very much made my online presence a business and like filled with like these formulas that allow me to like step out and be the owner rather than like it, the content in itself so that I don't have to kind of carry every single burden or feel every little piece because content creators don't necessarily deserve to feel every little piece, you know.

[01:02:23] Rob Pintwala: Yeah. I think it almost feels like, to me, it's the only way to survive what you're doing. I mean, I think here it sounds like you're doing it well. I can't relate. But it's, it's interesting because this sort of podcast has taken a bit of a, of a, of a focus on talk, speaking with influencers. I'm spoken with a number of, of influencers now, and like, I'm so interested in how you maintain your mental health and, 

[01:02:52] Alicia Mccarvell: there's a lot of us that are not doing a good job and like it, it comes in ebbs and flows. And I think too, like it's not necessarily, well, we can talk about content creators and influencers, because that's the biggest thing right now, influencer marketing and content creators, et cetera. But like we, I think that this has a lot to do with, like, we have no support. We are individuals. We don't have an hr, we have nobody protecting us. There aren't laws. There are laws that protect what we can share, but there are no laws that protect me and my dms. There are no laws that protect what happens to me or who says what about my character or what is allowed in an online space. I can't share an ad without fully disclosing it, but somebody can hide their identity, get my address, and then try to hold it over my head for a period of time with absolutely zero repercussions. So it's, I think too, it's, this space is huge now. Like this influencer space is huge, but content creators have Nobody, and there's this, there is definitely this view of, but you have money, so you should be fine. You know, you, if you have money and you're making all of these dollars, you should be fine. There's no amount in money that gives you personal security. Like, there's just no, there's no amount of money that you can have that helps with your mental health or, you know, there's no, sure it gives you access to things and it is a privilege to have access to things.

[01:04:22] However, there's levels to, to all of it. But yeah, like there is no hr. I don't go to some, when somebody abuses me in my space, I have nobody to go to. It's not like when I worked a typical nine to five and could go to my boss and say, you know, and those people aren't even always being listened to. So it's, you know, it's kind of a hard space to exist in without separating yourself. From it and without treating it like a business. And I learned that pretty quickly because I am just the type of person that takes everything to heart. like obviously this bit, like I'm sharing me. So when people say, I'm following you, I'm like, well, what did I do? Why is this something, you know? And I had to step away from that. 'cause sometimes it's nothing that you do. Sometimes it's you protecting your boundaries that causes people to leave, which, and that's valid. You're allowed to do that. Sometimes it's what somebody else says about you is why somebody chooses to unfollow you and you can't control that.

[01:05:20] So yeah, it's it definitely is an interesting topic and I do see it popping up a lot more now because I do think that content creators and influencers are starting to get a little bit burnt out and tired and just wanting to find spaces and ways to kind of like, protect themselves and yeah, it's a, it can be a very like, scary place to exist in online. But yeah, for me, what separates me from my content has really been what's made, like, the world of difference when it comes to not feeling the full impact of all avenues, the good and the bad.

[01:06:03] Rob Pintwala: I think my interest is motivated by the millions of people who might not explicitly say that they're aspiring content creators, influencers, but that are or seem to be. And, I think, again, from my perspective, I think a lot of folks are going in blind without the realization of what you're actually, what actually happens. And I love this conversation for that. 

[01:06:31] Alicia Mccarvell: There's so much more to it like that. And that's a, I completely wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment. However, Content creators live in this world where, what can I complain about? You just saw me last week walking on the walkway in Miami. You watched me fly up there, spend a week on a resort and walk a runway Miami swim when I opened my mouth to tell you that I'm being bullied online or abused by people or my like, personal safety is being nine times out of ten I met with, well, you signed up for this. This is what was going to happen. When you share your life, you should expect that this stuff comes along with it. And I always have been and will forever be the person that I agree with. I should expect it, but I don't have to accept it in my space. And that's why people hate it when I call people. People out, or I do things to protect my safety. I want to do this forever. I want to share my life forever. I want to help people live happier, healthier, more adventurous lives in their bodies forever. But I can't do that if this is a space that isn't safe for me. So I have to take that seriously. That's why I use the block button. That's why I call people out when they're in positions of power and they're having the wrong conversations about bodies. That's why I turn the comments off on some of my things. That's why I protect my space, because if I don't, then how can I ever expect to do this forever? So yeah, I agree that I think people are going in blindly, but I think that a lot of creators and people in this space are afraid to share because we know what we will be met with. I know the comments. I know what is, I shared the other day that I don't eat enough. Like I transparently shared with my audience that I have had issues with binge eating in the past. I have overcome those within that eight year span of, of changing my life. But now in this new era of my life, I'm not eating enough, which can be just as detrimental to your health as eating too much or binge eating. And I shared that and immediately was met with. You're lying, you're not telling the truth. That's not a real thing. You're fat. How could you possibly be? So it's just one of those things where I think that like the truth is out there and people are willing to talk about it, but like the spaces have to be safe enough in order for reality to really sink in for people that, yeah, my life has changed.

[01:09:16] I've been able to do really cool things. I'm very grateful every day that I don't have to look at my bank account to make sure that I have enough money and there for rent. But I've worked really hard for that and like I still don't deserve to be abused in the space that I create and the job that I do on online, which is why I have used, like the techniques and the things that I have used to kind of separate myself from it so that I'm not always feeling like I am my space or this is me. Just so that I can kind of protect, protect my peace a little bit.

[01:09:52] Rob Pintwala: Well that's super badass, so I applaud you for that. That 's incredible.

[01:09:57] Alicia Mccarvell: I, mean, I'm still learning. Things are still growing, like cult, like the culture around content creators and content creation and, you know, the audience wants an authentic person and you want people to be real, but not too real. So it's like a little bit of everything.

[01:10:14] And I think for me, understanding that I, it's gonna always come from both sides. I'm never gonna, I choose, not personally, I choose not to talk about what charities I donate to or how much I donate or when the cause comes up. I don't post my receipts for them, the people that I am donating to or the things that I'm doing. I figured that out right off the get go because it doesn't really matter what number it says, it'll never be enough for people.

[01:10:43] It will never, I'll never be giving enough to, so I removed the expectation of others and I. Just allow my own expectation to sit there. So I donate to who, you know, and the amount that I feel comfortable and able to do.

[01:10:58] And then the only expectation that exists is mine. 'cause then that's the only person that I have to kind of live up to. Because when you do share, it's not enough or it's to the wrong people or it's, you know, there's just a lot of things that come along with like, obviously being in, in, this light and, and open and you can expect a lot of it.

[01:11:17] But I think that a lot of content creators are moving in the direction of not accepting it in their spaces anymore. And even apps are moving in directions making it a safer space. Like Instagram has moved. Instagram and TikTok have added features that allow me to block out certain words, like my address for my comment section, so that if anybody tries to like my address It automatically gets flagged. I can pick certain words or certain names and I can put that in the comment section so that anybody tries to use those words. It's automatically blocked. I can allow only people who follow me to comment on my videos. I can allow only people who follow me to slide into my dms. So the apps are starting to move in like a safer space. Well, they make their money off of, make their money off of content creators. They should probably be creating safer spaces. But even the apps are seeing where some of the areas are and they're starting to like to crack down on making a safer space too.

[01:12:17] Rob Pintwala: Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Well, I know we're short on time, so I wanted to ask one more, quick question and recently you had an awesome post about kind of glorifying your life and how you want to glorify, you know, all the parts of your life, and just wanted to hear your sort of definition of like what that is like to unpack that in two minutes.

[01:12:44] Alicia Mccarvell: Yeah. Being a fat person, I often, when I live my life where I'm doing like the most mundane things, it's like a photo of me reading a book because I have a following. People will say, oh, you're glorifying obesity. Or when the minute I say, you don't have to hate yourself in a fat body, people are like, oh, you're, you're glorifying obesity. And it really, really got, really got to me, like, really, really gets to me because I, I, my goal again is to make people live a happier, healthier life in their body. And that is, that looks completely different for a lot of people. And for me, a happier, healthier life isn't a fatter body than when I was 127 pounds and doing horrible things to my body. So I was frustrated with those comments. And that was specifically right after Nick's and Shawn Mendez or Shawn Mendez? No, you're answering what that was right after the Knicks and Sean Desmond, he's gonna kill me. I said that video came out and Like Sean had posted the video first, and like, I have my comments like Fort Knox, like people can't, you can, there's certain things you can't say and there like just to, again, to protect my peace. And that's not the case for everybody else. So when other people share your content, sometimes it can be a little bit rough and yeah, people are like, oh, except for, you know, the fatty glorifying obesity or blah, blah, blah. And all I was doing was dancing in a dress, like a dress, like literally dancing in a dress in a video. And yeah, I got frustrated and I was like, okay, well if we wanna talk about glorifying something, I do want to glorify life. I want to glorify what it means to live your life at any and all sizes. I want you to watch Me dancing in a Sean Desmond video. Something I never fathom to do and say, I could do that. 'cause you can. And like we underestimate what representation or how the impact that rep representation truly does have. But genuinely when I'm struggling in my body at 22, oh like, there were no people who were living their best life in a fat body there. It just wasn't 10 years ago. There just wasn't. And I want to be that person so that when 22 year olds like me look at themselves and their fat bodies and then look at me, aren't thinking that their life Is over because that's what I thought at 22 in my fat body. I thought there was no joy left for me that until I got thin I couldn't do these things. I want the 22 year olds who are trying to figure out how to live their life because you're 22, you have a whole life ahead of you to realize that they're just as worthy of dancing in a Sean Desmond video of working out in gym gear that looks cute of going on a beach vacation, of taking photos with their significant other, of expecting the people in their life to respect their boundaries.

[01:15:49] Like I want to glorify that so much that when people who look like me see me, they never, ever think they have to devalue themselves. Because if she can, then why can't I? And I think that if I would've learned. I was valuable at 22, I wouldn't have done as much damage to my body as I had done to it eight years after that. And I think that there's so much more power in making people feel worthy than making people feel like they're not worthy until, and like I truly, wholeheartedly believe that, that someone is more likely to make the right choices for themselves because they know they're valuable than to make the right choices for themselves because they're not valuable until, and those are two different mindsets to be making decisions. I made a lot of decisions for myself out of hate, and it wasn't until I knew that I was valuable and worth taking care of that I started making decisions for myself out of love. And that's what I mean when I say I want to glorify life. I want you to watch me. Eat a burger on a patio with a beer at, you know, 4:00 PM on a sunny day downtown humpback because you're worthy of those moments.

[01:17:05] I want you to watch me choose to swim on a beach and take those photos and feel sexy and feel confident because you are worthy of that no matter what your body looks like. And if I can glorify that enough, then it won't take people so long to make the decision that they're worthy to do those things. And if I can be the catalyst for that, then I'm willing to take the rest of the shit that comes along with it. So just, I know that the world will continue to become and be a better place when everybody understands their worth. And that is just the truth. They'll make better decisions for themselves.

[01:17:47] They'll make better decisions for the people that they love. They'll go for the jobs that they should be doing, not the ones they think they have to do. And like, I might not ever see it in my lifetime, but I think that when people know that they're worthy of cool things, they do cool things. And yeah.

[01:18:07] Rob Pintwala: So inspiring and thank you for sharing that and yeah, just being who you are. I think we'll, we're at time, so, quick plug, where can people find you? And we'll add it all to the show notes. 

[01:18:21] Alicia Mccarvell: people can find me on Instagram and TikTok at Alicia McCarville. And then I also co-host a podcast called Your 2 cents which is a little bit off topic of what I usually talk about, but it talks about all things money, finance saving to like your perfect wedding, to do it, to thrift, like a little bit of everything. Yeah, those are probably like my, my main two platforms and then my pod.

[01:18:48] Rob Pintwala: Awesome. Alicia, thank you so much for joining me today and sharing your wisdom and your light, and your inspiration.

[01:18:55] Track 1: Thank you for having me.

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